


Boom Baby (The Awkward Sex Chronicles - A Story in Three Parts)

by dispatch



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 22:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4366358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dispatch/pseuds/dispatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sexflesh Stuff-me,” Steph read the front of the box, “Over two pounds of solid realistic dildi fun. Is dildi even a word?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boom Baby (The Awkward Sex Chronicles - A Story in Three Parts)

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Kink War 2015 over on tumblr to celebrate Tim's birthday. I am surprised it is het. Not surprised how silly it is. I have been assured this is still kinky though. Also to note - Sexflesh Stuff-me is sold on Amazon. The other one is also on amazon, but it didn't have such an awesome name.

**Part one - The Sex Shop**

Tim threads his fingers through Steph’s and squeezes lightly as he breathes in her ear, “She recognized me.”

Steph looked over Tim’s shoulder to the cashier with the bright pink hair that had her phone out. The girl peeked up at them and grinned like she won the lottery. Like it was hilarious. It kind of was.

“What do you think the headline will be?” Steph stage whispers. Tim leans back so he isn’t right there on her shoulder, swings their hands playfully and he’s grinning. Faces just inches apart and she sort of wants to kiss him. Grab his hair and pull him in.

“It depends how they spin it. Probably just something like, ‘Lauded CEO, showing his age.’”

“Not ‘Young Drake, Scandalous Visit to a Sex Shop?’”

“Probably not. At the moment Gotham likes me. I get good publicity.”

“I bet you’ll be known as the fantastic boyfriend with the dildos.”

“Right, dildos.”

“Exactly. Now pick your dildo.”

“Right.” Tim trailed off and stared at the display, suddenly paler. Steph bumped their shoulders together and grabbed a box.

“Sexflesh Stuff-me,” Steph read the front of the box, “Over two pounds of solid realistic dildi fun. Is dildi even a word?”

“Not that one,” Tim firmly said. Then, cause he couldn’t resist. “It is. Dildi. The verb form.”

“Oh?” Steph teased. “Hey, it can fulfil your wildest meaty fantasies.”

“It’s ten inches long. I was thinking- smaller. Like- Yeah. A lot smaller.”

“Probably a good idea.” Steph put the box back down. Tim stared at the box, unblinking. So nervous here, in the light of day and in public. Nothing like when he had her, up against the walls. Her arms slung around his shoulder as he drove her against the drywall, over and over again. As she scratched red stripes across his back and he left bruises on her hips. Afterwards they had collapsed on the floor. Legs folded together. Her head on his shoulder as he left whispers of kisses down her neck. He was so confident sometimes, when they were alone, together. Then he proved he was still a dork as he gave her a pamphlet on pegging when they finally made it to the bedroom.

Steph tugged their joined hands and he looked up. Tim’s lips tugged into a smile then he pulled back and grabbed a box.

“Found it.” Still grinning, he waved it at her. It was a good deal smaller then Mr. Sexflesh Stuff-me. Less fleshy looking, more bright pink. “It’s for beginners.” And there it said, in big black writing on the back. For anal beginners.

“Just like that?”

“Yeah, I did research.”

“Of course you did.” His grin stayed, a little cocky. Definitely dorky.  
Steph leaned in and kissed him. Pressed her forehead against his and cooed, “Best boyfriend.” Kissed him again. “Now lets check out the edible underwear.”

**Part Two - Dick is the Sex Guru (turns out he doesn’t want to be)**

“So, like, I need your advice.” Steph says. Dick sorts through his mail, phone propped by his shoulder.

“Shoot, kiddo.”

“Ok. Yeah. So you’re a guy, right? With all the guy bits? Wait. Shit. Are you alone right now? Cause you should probably be alone for this.” And Dick suddenly knows that this is going to be one of those conversations. Those conversations that you keep with you always as ‘so and so embarrassed themselves so bad, I’m surprised they didn’t move from the country’ conversations. A thing all older sibling figures cherish and horde like that one type of candy you can only find in one random store in the city and only the week before Easter.

“Why yes, Steph.” He does his best to sound honestly enthusiastic. Except he’s laughing so- “I am a guy with all the guy bits.”

“Ok. Great. Yeah. So, I’m glad we have that settled.” Steph offers and sort of giggles. If giggles could sound like you are also choking. “Right,” And then silence. When Dick looks, it seemed she hung up on him.

He probably shouldn’t have laughed. That may have scared her off. There is this creeping minor feeling of disappointment that Dick shoves aside along with the weekly advertisements. Never dwell on missed opportunities, right?

Over an hour later and Dick is eating a salad that has enough cheese and croutons that Alfred would tell him that the term ‘salad’ is generous. Dick ponders it as he dunks a chunk into the ranch dressing. He could probably call it a cheese salad, maybe. Topped with romaine lettuce on top of a bed of croutons. His phone rings.

“I just have a question. A personal question.” Steph starts this time. Before Dick can respond she throws in, “A sex question.”

“Ahh.” Dick says. He has to think about it for a minute. He hadn’t actually expected the whole sex part. In hind sight, that was kind of dumb. Still, though. It’s promising in its memorability.

“It’s just a question.” She rushes.

“Ahh.” Dick repeats.

“It’s not that bad even!” She forces out. “Wait. No. Ok. I lied. It’s kind of horrible. Maybe. Like, it’s dirty dirty. Like the shit you do not talk about with anyone; except I thought, oh! Dick will know! Cause you know things. And like, you’re experienced. Other worldly even. Except maybe you wouldn’t know. Maybe I should ask a girl. But Babs would just laugh. And maybe tell me to google it. Except how do you even google this stuff? Cause I tried and it didn’t work. Was pretty filthy though. Like, there was this girl who could do this thing with her fist and- oh crap why am I talking?” Steph cuts herself.

“Gonna hang up again?” Dick asks when the silence has stretched a few awkward seconds.

“No?”

“I’ll take it. Right. So, your dirty, filthy sex question.”

“Oh god.” Steph breathes.

“Come on, hit me. I’m ready.”

“Oh my god. No. I don’t think I want to tell you now.”

“I already know it’s a sex question. You can’t take that back.”

“No, just- No.” And then she hangs up again.

Not ten seconds later she calls again, sounding calm and completely serious. “What can you tell me about pegging.”

“That it’s pretty awesome.” Dick responds honestly.

“Right. Yeah. But, like. How do I keep it up?” Steph coughs.

“Up?” Dick stops and thinks about it. “Do you mean…?” Dick almost finishes that sentence, before freezing. Now that he was forced to actually think about it, Dick has to pause and really actually think about it. He had failed to connect sex and Steph and equals… right. Suddenly, and rather horribly, he realizes he may have made a huge mistake. Steph, like a dam that has been forced open, the pressure to great to stop, continues.

“He likes it though! His dick is all like, perky and shit. Can I even call it perky? But, it’s me. I can’t keep doing it over and over and over again. It’s just so exhausting. But guys do it all the time, right? Tim-“

Oh god no. She said his name. Dick can deal with the abstract. He can deal with the idea of Steph and sex. He can even deal with the idea of Tim and sex. Somehow though, Tim and Steph and sex makes his brain hit a giant concrete wall with horrifyingly graphic graffiti.

“- can do it for hours. Nonstop almost. Like a jackhammer. He’s amazing. But how does he do it? Is there a trick? Am I doing it wrong? How am I doing it wrong?”

“You know what? Google it.” Dick says. Then hangs up the phone, turns it off as he carries it to the laundry room and shoves it in the laundry basket. Drops a blanket on top of it for good measure.

**Part Three - Surprisingly No Pegging**

“So I googled it.” Steph says. Tim nips the inside of her thigh and she shivers. “The things I do for you. I’m not even going to tell you what I have done because it was horrible for all parties involved. Wait, no. shirt off, shirt off. I want to see it all.” Tim rolls his eyes and yanks the t-shirt off before leaning forward again. “Good boy. So, there are apparently videos. Instructional workshop videos that I can watch – that we will watch cause your gonna see it too - so I- oh fucking god damnit.”

“Language, Steph,” Tim grins up at her. Mischievous and smug, her legs are draped over his shoulders before he drops his head back down. The broad swipe of his tongue and she bites her lip. She’s curled up enough that she can see, and it’s not exactly the most comfortable position, but she just wants to watch. Just a little more. He’s just so pretty down there, like this, for her.

“You love it, don’t you?” She finds herself asking. Tim hums and oh- she liked that. “You’re so pretty though. So, so pretty. Like a little bird.” She murmurs nonsense. Combs her fingers through his hair, making little spikes that stick straight up. “My little bird. My robin. So filthy little robin.”

Tim’s fingers dig into her thigh; he pulled back and growled, “Stop talking.”

“Oh.” Steph pulled her hand back. A sick twist in her stomach. “I didn’t mean-“

“No.” Tim interrupted. Looked up at her and grinned. Almost embarrassed. Cheeks flushed. “I meant- Just- Ha, yeah. I don’t think I can last.”

“Oh.” Step breathed out. She didn’t know what her face was doing, but it probably looked stupid with shock. “OH.” Curling over, she grabbed his shoulders and grinned at him. “My dirty, dirty robin. Up, up, up.”

“I’m perfectly fine down here, thank you.” He laughed. Steph hooked his arms and hauled.

“No, no, no, no. Get up here damnit.” Damn him. “Ugh. Move.” He lets her pull him up this time. Drags him over her till he is above her. An arm braced by her head. He is so handsome, she thinks fondly, as he grins down at her. So charmingly earnest. “Gonna let me fuck you, baby?” He dragged his hand across her neck and hummed.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.”


End file.
